It's All in the Telling

hmmm....part of me isn't sure what to write, post, or even the order in which to approach this all. I guess I'll start with a warning. (Isn't that how all instructional writings or infomercials start?)

**I am NOT a normal girl and I am NOT a normal pregnant girl either. I have not spent my life dreaming about what it would be like to be a mother, to have children, or even really to be married. I absolutely DETEST the color pink. (Mauve surprisingly doesn't count.) And while I like frilly things because they look pretty that only lasts about 15 minutes before I'd trade it all in to be comfortable. So if you're reading this, please remember that I am not a normal girl and I don't see pregnancy the same way most people do. If you take offense please realize that that is becuase YOU are different from me (which is perfectly alright too).

I've always said that I would NEVER have (give birth) to a kid/baby since I can remember. I figured I'd grow up, go to college, get a degree and then go on to law school. If things worked out (which I doubted), I'd get married about 25 and adopt kids after I was 30 since being married at least 5 years ensured the best outcome for marriage (at least that's what some article I once read said).

Things didn't work out quite that way though. I went to Weber for a couple of years and then moved back home to attend SLCC where I met Fielding. I conviced him to FINALLY talk to me in our TaeKwondo class and to take KungFu the next semester. We started hanging out with my KungFu friends, then started dating, then decided to get married. (Sorry, I feel like it has to be a bit rushed or I won't get the story written before the kid gets here.)

And yes, I genuinely mean we decided to get married. (Again please note that I'm not the norm.) There was no super precious proposal on bended knee, no fancy dinner, or big family surprise. That's just not really either of our styles. We just talked about it. And while our proposal will never be the thing of legends or fairy tales, it's still precious to me. (Fielding told me that I wasn't the kind of girl he had ever imagined marrying, but that I was exactly what what he wanted. See...precious.)

Fielding and I were married for about 2.5 years before he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It was Hell. Fielding and I both began to withdraw from one another and from our relationship. We couldn't seem to communicate without getting frustrated or angry. Every day was pretty freaking miserable and I kept telling him that neither of us should be this miserable for the rest of our lives. If it couldn't get better than we should just get a divorce. (Divorce is ALWAYS an option and sometimes is the best option. Marriage is another option, but it requires understanding and sacrifice ALWAYS.) Fielding and I stayed in that...limbo for about another 2 years before he decided it wouldn't get better and that that wasn't fair to either of us. He asked me for a divorce and moved out.

Now, in a number of marriages (especially Utah), Fielding and I would have had a child or two already by this point in our lives. And honestly, I'm grateful every day that we didn't. Fielding and I know that if we had had any kids we would not still be together. Timing is everything and it's up to each person to determine when they're ready to pursue adding kids to the mix.

Fielding and I talked about three days after he moved out to figure out what we really wanted to do. Surprisingly, we both had made a list of things we wanted to change in our relationship. I also attended some of his counseling sessions to help make sure I knew where he was and he knew how I was feeling. And yes, surprisingly we made it through. It wasn't the greatest experience we've ever had. We wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but it definitely helped make our relationship better.

Unfortunately, life was moving forward for us and I was getting...feelings about having kids. (I'm not one who really believes in a 'biological clock' and part of me still thinks it's due to others I know with kids.) I kept getting the feeling that it was time to have kids. Biological kids in the next 2 to 3 years or adopting within the next 5 years. And while some discussions take only minutes to decide, Fielding and I discussed this a number of times before we were okay with it. Fielding refused to have a 'winter baby' (November to January, I think) because he doesn't like the cold. And to give us some time and just becuase I thought it would be funny, I told him we should try to have a Leap Year Baby. (My sister and I use to tell people we were twins who were born on Leap Day visiting from Canada.) So yeah, we moved on with our plans (even though I was also looking for a new job.)

Everyone told me you can't really 'plan' when you'll get pregnant, but I refused to listen anyhow. I figured it would either work or it wouldn't. (I mean how else would it work.) It was really odd to me that we were 'trying' and I figured it wasn't really that big of a deal, but when it didn't work it was...upsetting. I was upset and frustrated that two seemingly healthy people couldn't get pregnant. (Yes, I realize there are others who are devastated things haven't worked out and for that reason my issues are a lot more trivial.) I figured that it just wasn't meant to be right now and maybe one of those reasons was my job.

My job was getting more...stressful for me. (Which stress apparently plays NO part whatsoever on fertility according to a recent article I read.) I dreaded going to work pretty much daily and was hoping to find something new sooner rather than later. Fielding and I discussed this too and decided that we'd put things on hold until I got a new job and FMLA benefits would be applicable (12 monthes after being hired). I got a job offer on Friday, 17 June and had already accepted that this month wouldn't be the month either.

Part of my hiring requirements required me to have or get current immunizations and pass a drug screening test. (I seriously am afraid of needles and/or shots.) I took my drug test on Friday, but was able to postpone the immunizations because I was sick. No prego symtoms, just sick.

That Sunday (oddly enough, Father's Day) I took what I thought would be my final pregnancy test, at least until we decided to try again. Next thing I know I'm literally tilting my head to the side because the digital display isn't working right. The 'not' part of the display isn't showing up. It's got to be wrong because I don't feel pregnant. Secondly, I don't even know what I thought at that very second about being pregnant except that I'm not supposed to be. Fielding and I had decided to put things on hold for a while. What am I suppose to do now?

Well, I couldn't very well lie to Fielding. (He would have figured it out once I started getting fat. Outside of the fact that that would also be really sad and wrong.) So I went out and told him. And just like his proposal, it was pretty blunt and to the point. It says I'm pregnant. I think he looked at me for a couple of seconds before saying 'High five?'. So yeah, I cried and gave him a hug and said how do you honestly feel about it? (I mean honestly who asks for a high five from their wife when she tell you she's pregnant? Fielding. That's who.) He said he was excited and scared all at once. (Yeah, you can repeat that one again.)