Happy Holidays!

Still working

Popped out a kid

Surviving so far

Anything else worthy of note?

I'm pregnant?

So immediately after the pregnancy test was positive (and I'd taken a second one just to be sure three days later), I called the doctor's office to set up an appointment.

Originally I had to argue with the receptionist and nurse manager to switch my doctor from one to another. Apparently they had a policy against switching patient's doctors within the same practice. This made me cranky because if I had known that I would have figured out a way to see the doctor I wanted in the first place. Oy! I do have to say that my original doctor was great, but didn't seem to have the approach I needed to my fear of needles. (Yes, it seriously does give me anxiety. I start to feel a tightness in my chest and cry at the mention of having to get a shot, blood draw, or anything else that might include needles.) My doctors were nice enough to sign off on the switch. (Thank goodness.) So I set my appointment for the earliest date...over a month out.

Yeah, it took over a month to get in to see the doctor and you pretty much countdown every second, every day, every week. And please don't take this wrong, but it seemed...worse for me. I know statistically speaking there are very few women who don't have symptoms of pregnancy. I am one of those people (at least for this pregnancy). No nausea, no feeling light headed, no cravings, no running to the restroom more frequently than normal. (See, I told you I'm not normal.) Most people would envy this, but when you're sitting around counting down waiting for an educated confirmation it can be maddening. (Yes, I questioned the authority of the stupid digital readout and the two lines. I mean honestly, how smart can they be right?)

About So about a month and a half later I went in to see the doctor for the first time. You fill out all the new patient paperwork, the insurance information , and finally get checked in by the nurse. You go into a room with a ultra sound machine and wait. You wonder what is taking the doctor so long. You wonder how everything is going to go. If the baby is real, healthy, or how you're going to react. You wonder how your spouse is going to react. (And yes, you're hoping and praying that things work out in a way that will work for you whether it's one or more.)

Finally, the doctor shows up and asks you how things are going. And since it's me, I answer all the questions, don't really know what to expect, and don't really have any other questions. I figured the doctor would do all the talking and explaining if it was necessary. (And yes, you're still freaking out the whole time wondering how it's all going to go.) Finally, he asks you if you're ready to see your baby and part of you is like 'yes, I've been waiting over a month to know for sure'. The other part of you is like 'no, I'm liking staying in the dark because I don't have to freak out quite yet'. The next thing you know there's a blob on the screen and all you can think (or say out loud to the doctor who just met you for the first time is) 'Holy shit!' Yeah, that is pretty much what blurted out of my mouth. That's not including the tears that start streaming from your eyes because it's real. In that moment you start to realize you really are pregnant. You're pregnant with a tiny human that looks an awful lot like all of the pictures you see of babies. (And yes, at the same time they still look like inkblot pictures too.)

After that, it's pretty anticlimactic. All of my sisters had limited pregnancy issues and I'm not one to stress about it. I figure that regardless of what I do or how I feel things are going to be however they're going to be. So I didn't have any questions for the doctor.

Oh wait. I'd accidentally told Fielding about how pregnant women should avoid lunch meat. He hadn't let me eat a real sandwich in over a month. I WANTED A FREAKING SANDWICH. Not due to any kind of pregnancy craving, but because I LOVE sandwiches. (Honestly, I think I'd eat a sandwich daily.) THAT was the only immediate concern I had. My doctor said it was okay and that was pretty much my next stop.

So I guess at the end of the day I didn't feel pregnant, but I was. Doctor confirmed and everything. Now all I had to do was hold out until at least the end of the first trimester. That was one thing I was paranoid about. I didn't want to put it out there only to have something...happen. All I had to do now was make it another month or two.

It's All in the Telling

hmmm....part of me isn't sure what to write, post, or even the order in which to approach this all. I guess I'll start with a warning. (Isn't that how all instructional writings or infomercials start?)

**I am NOT a normal girl and I am NOT a normal pregnant girl either. I have not spent my life dreaming about what it would be like to be a mother, to have children, or even really to be married. I absolutely DETEST the color pink. (Mauve surprisingly doesn't count.) And while I like frilly things because they look pretty that only lasts about 15 minutes before I'd trade it all in to be comfortable. So if you're reading this, please remember that I am not a normal girl and I don't see pregnancy the same way most people do. If you take offense please realize that that is becuase YOU are different from me (which is perfectly alright too).

I've always said that I would NEVER have (give birth) to a kid/baby since I can remember. I figured I'd grow up, go to college, get a degree and then go on to law school. If things worked out (which I doubted), I'd get married about 25 and adopt kids after I was 30 since being married at least 5 years ensured the best outcome for marriage (at least that's what some article I once read said).

Things didn't work out quite that way though. I went to Weber for a couple of years and then moved back home to attend SLCC where I met Fielding. I conviced him to FINALLY talk to me in our TaeKwondo class and to take KungFu the next semester. We started hanging out with my KungFu friends, then started dating, then decided to get married. (Sorry, I feel like it has to be a bit rushed or I won't get the story written before the kid gets here.)

And yes, I genuinely mean we decided to get married. (Again please note that I'm not the norm.) There was no super precious proposal on bended knee, no fancy dinner, or big family surprise. That's just not really either of our styles. We just talked about it. And while our proposal will never be the thing of legends or fairy tales, it's still precious to me. (Fielding told me that I wasn't the kind of girl he had ever imagined marrying, but that I was exactly what what he wanted. See...precious.)

Fielding and I were married for about 2.5 years before he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It was Hell. Fielding and I both began to withdraw from one another and from our relationship. We couldn't seem to communicate without getting frustrated or angry. Every day was pretty freaking miserable and I kept telling him that neither of us should be this miserable for the rest of our lives. If it couldn't get better than we should just get a divorce. (Divorce is ALWAYS an option and sometimes is the best option. Marriage is another option, but it requires understanding and sacrifice ALWAYS.) Fielding and I stayed in that...limbo for about another 2 years before he decided it wouldn't get better and that that wasn't fair to either of us. He asked me for a divorce and moved out.

Now, in a number of marriages (especially Utah), Fielding and I would have had a child or two already by this point in our lives. And honestly, I'm grateful every day that we didn't. Fielding and I know that if we had had any kids we would not still be together. Timing is everything and it's up to each person to determine when they're ready to pursue adding kids to the mix.

Fielding and I talked about three days after he moved out to figure out what we really wanted to do. Surprisingly, we both had made a list of things we wanted to change in our relationship. I also attended some of his counseling sessions to help make sure I knew where he was and he knew how I was feeling. And yes, surprisingly we made it through. It wasn't the greatest experience we've ever had. We wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but it definitely helped make our relationship better.

Unfortunately, life was moving forward for us and I was getting...feelings about having kids. (I'm not one who really believes in a 'biological clock' and part of me still thinks it's due to others I know with kids.) I kept getting the feeling that it was time to have kids. Biological kids in the next 2 to 3 years or adopting within the next 5 years. And while some discussions take only minutes to decide, Fielding and I discussed this a number of times before we were okay with it. Fielding refused to have a 'winter baby' (November to January, I think) because he doesn't like the cold. And to give us some time and just becuase I thought it would be funny, I told him we should try to have a Leap Year Baby. (My sister and I use to tell people we were twins who were born on Leap Day visiting from Canada.) So yeah, we moved on with our plans (even though I was also looking for a new job.)

Everyone told me you can't really 'plan' when you'll get pregnant, but I refused to listen anyhow. I figured it would either work or it wouldn't. (I mean how else would it work.) It was really odd to me that we were 'trying' and I figured it wasn't really that big of a deal, but when it didn't work it was...upsetting. I was upset and frustrated that two seemingly healthy people couldn't get pregnant. (Yes, I realize there are others who are devastated things haven't worked out and for that reason my issues are a lot more trivial.) I figured that it just wasn't meant to be right now and maybe one of those reasons was my job.

My job was getting more...stressful for me. (Which stress apparently plays NO part whatsoever on fertility according to a recent article I read.) I dreaded going to work pretty much daily and was hoping to find something new sooner rather than later. Fielding and I discussed this too and decided that we'd put things on hold until I got a new job and FMLA benefits would be applicable (12 monthes after being hired). I got a job offer on Friday, 17 June and had already accepted that this month wouldn't be the month either.

Part of my hiring requirements required me to have or get current immunizations and pass a drug screening test. (I seriously am afraid of needles and/or shots.) I took my drug test on Friday, but was able to postpone the immunizations because I was sick. No prego symtoms, just sick.

That Sunday (oddly enough, Father's Day) I took what I thought would be my final pregnancy test, at least until we decided to try again. Next thing I know I'm literally tilting my head to the side because the digital display isn't working right. The 'not' part of the display isn't showing up. It's got to be wrong because I don't feel pregnant. Secondly, I don't even know what I thought at that very second about being pregnant except that I'm not supposed to be. Fielding and I had decided to put things on hold for a while. What am I suppose to do now?

Well, I couldn't very well lie to Fielding. (He would have figured it out once I started getting fat. Outside of the fact that that would also be really sad and wrong.) So I went out and told him. And just like his proposal, it was pretty blunt and to the point. It says I'm pregnant. I think he looked at me for a couple of seconds before saying 'High five?'. So yeah, I cried and gave him a hug and said how do you honestly feel about it? (I mean honestly who asks for a high five from their wife when she tell you she's pregnant? Fielding. That's who.) He said he was excited and scared all at once. (Yeah, you can repeat that one again.)

Happy Thanksgiving!!! My Family Rocks!

I don't think that there has ever been a year that I can't remember spending Thanksgiving with all of my family. I don't mean just my immediate family, but all of my extended family too. It's a tradition that started once upon a time (because I really can't remember its origin) and has happened every year without fail.

And yes, I'll have you all know that MY family's Thanksgiving food is by far the best I've ever had. There is always the turkey and stuffing (seriously SO much better than the bread crap) that my Grandma makes. The green been casserole with toasted almonds on top (one of my favorites) that my mom makes. The assortment of delicious salads and rolls from my aunts (and uncles, but we know who really made them). And yes, in particular, my Aunt Kay made the best orange rolls EVER. (Seriously, I don't know a single person who's had them that could say any differently.) And the pies. All of it an absolute feast for us to enjoy. (Making through the line once was never quiet enough.)

The last couple of years and this one have been a bit different with the passing of my Grandpa and my Aunt Kay this year, but it is still one of my favorite holidays of the year.
I think the other part of it that has always been fun is 'confessional'. Something my sister and cousin made up to 'get the dirt' on each other. I don't know how it is that we made it years without Heather seeming to realize that she was the only one who ever had anything to confess.

But this year we inducted some of our other siblings into the confessional. ( I mean lets face it, how many of us DON'T have an opinion of everything?) It was a lot of fun to get the chance to catch up with my younger siblings who have grown up without me even really realizing it. Some of them are up at college and others are just trying to figure out what int the world they're supposed to be doing in life. But mostly, I think it's just nice to get a chance to all get together and see how everyone is doing. It gives us a chance to laugh and know that we're loved not matter how crazy our lives get.

My family really is the best and I'm glad that I've got so many great memories that have them in it. (Not to mention the great stories I know get to hear about some of their kids.) As Heather said 'The Elders have spoken' or at least until next year. =)