It's All in the Telling

hmmm....part of me isn't sure what to write, post, or even the order in which to approach this all. I guess I'll start with a warning. (Isn't that how all instructional writings or infomercials start?)

**I am NOT a normal girl and I am NOT a normal pregnant girl either. I have not spent my life dreaming about what it would be like to be a mother, to have children, or even really to be married. I absolutely DETEST the color pink. (Mauve surprisingly doesn't count.) And while I like frilly things because they look pretty that only lasts about 15 minutes before I'd trade it all in to be comfortable. So if you're reading this, please remember that I am not a normal girl and I don't see pregnancy the same way most people do. If you take offense please realize that that is becuase YOU are different from me (which is perfectly alright too).

I've always said that I would NEVER have (give birth) to a kid/baby since I can remember. I figured I'd grow up, go to college, get a degree and then go on to law school. If things worked out (which I doubted), I'd get married about 25 and adopt kids after I was 30 since being married at least 5 years ensured the best outcome for marriage (at least that's what some article I once read said).

Things didn't work out quite that way though. I went to Weber for a couple of years and then moved back home to attend SLCC where I met Fielding. I conviced him to FINALLY talk to me in our TaeKwondo class and to take KungFu the next semester. We started hanging out with my KungFu friends, then started dating, then decided to get married. (Sorry, I feel like it has to be a bit rushed or I won't get the story written before the kid gets here.)

And yes, I genuinely mean we decided to get married. (Again please note that I'm not the norm.) There was no super precious proposal on bended knee, no fancy dinner, or big family surprise. That's just not really either of our styles. We just talked about it. And while our proposal will never be the thing of legends or fairy tales, it's still precious to me. (Fielding told me that I wasn't the kind of girl he had ever imagined marrying, but that I was exactly what what he wanted. See...precious.)

Fielding and I were married for about 2.5 years before he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It was Hell. Fielding and I both began to withdraw from one another and from our relationship. We couldn't seem to communicate without getting frustrated or angry. Every day was pretty freaking miserable and I kept telling him that neither of us should be this miserable for the rest of our lives. If it couldn't get better than we should just get a divorce. (Divorce is ALWAYS an option and sometimes is the best option. Marriage is another option, but it requires understanding and sacrifice ALWAYS.) Fielding and I stayed in that...limbo for about another 2 years before he decided it wouldn't get better and that that wasn't fair to either of us. He asked me for a divorce and moved out.

Now, in a number of marriages (especially Utah), Fielding and I would have had a child or two already by this point in our lives. And honestly, I'm grateful every day that we didn't. Fielding and I know that if we had had any kids we would not still be together. Timing is everything and it's up to each person to determine when they're ready to pursue adding kids to the mix.

Fielding and I talked about three days after he moved out to figure out what we really wanted to do. Surprisingly, we both had made a list of things we wanted to change in our relationship. I also attended some of his counseling sessions to help make sure I knew where he was and he knew how I was feeling. And yes, surprisingly we made it through. It wasn't the greatest experience we've ever had. We wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but it definitely helped make our relationship better.

Unfortunately, life was moving forward for us and I was getting...feelings about having kids. (I'm not one who really believes in a 'biological clock' and part of me still thinks it's due to others I know with kids.) I kept getting the feeling that it was time to have kids. Biological kids in the next 2 to 3 years or adopting within the next 5 years. And while some discussions take only minutes to decide, Fielding and I discussed this a number of times before we were okay with it. Fielding refused to have a 'winter baby' (November to January, I think) because he doesn't like the cold. And to give us some time and just becuase I thought it would be funny, I told him we should try to have a Leap Year Baby. (My sister and I use to tell people we were twins who were born on Leap Day visiting from Canada.) So yeah, we moved on with our plans (even though I was also looking for a new job.)

Everyone told me you can't really 'plan' when you'll get pregnant, but I refused to listen anyhow. I figured it would either work or it wouldn't. (I mean how else would it work.) It was really odd to me that we were 'trying' and I figured it wasn't really that big of a deal, but when it didn't work it was...upsetting. I was upset and frustrated that two seemingly healthy people couldn't get pregnant. (Yes, I realize there are others who are devastated things haven't worked out and for that reason my issues are a lot more trivial.) I figured that it just wasn't meant to be right now and maybe one of those reasons was my job.

My job was getting more...stressful for me. (Which stress apparently plays NO part whatsoever on fertility according to a recent article I read.) I dreaded going to work pretty much daily and was hoping to find something new sooner rather than later. Fielding and I discussed this too and decided that we'd put things on hold until I got a new job and FMLA benefits would be applicable (12 monthes after being hired). I got a job offer on Friday, 17 June and had already accepted that this month wouldn't be the month either.

Part of my hiring requirements required me to have or get current immunizations and pass a drug screening test. (I seriously am afraid of needles and/or shots.) I took my drug test on Friday, but was able to postpone the immunizations because I was sick. No prego symtoms, just sick.

That Sunday (oddly enough, Father's Day) I took what I thought would be my final pregnancy test, at least until we decided to try again. Next thing I know I'm literally tilting my head to the side because the digital display isn't working right. The 'not' part of the display isn't showing up. It's got to be wrong because I don't feel pregnant. Secondly, I don't even know what I thought at that very second about being pregnant except that I'm not supposed to be. Fielding and I had decided to put things on hold for a while. What am I suppose to do now?

Well, I couldn't very well lie to Fielding. (He would have figured it out once I started getting fat. Outside of the fact that that would also be really sad and wrong.) So I went out and told him. And just like his proposal, it was pretty blunt and to the point. It says I'm pregnant. I think he looked at me for a couple of seconds before saying 'High five?'. So yeah, I cried and gave him a hug and said how do you honestly feel about it? (I mean honestly who asks for a high five from their wife when she tell you she's pregnant? Fielding. That's who.) He said he was excited and scared all at once. (Yeah, you can repeat that one again.)

Day 28

Ha! I failed by about a week, but I'll still finish it out.

day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?hmmm...I think everyone changes. They just aren't always aware of how they're changing, whether good or bad. There are really visible changes. A change in our family and a change in jobs. But there's also changes that have happened in myself. Fielding and I focus more on making sure that WE'RE happy instead of focusing on what makes us unhappy. I've learned that friendships like all relationships are dependent upon you and how you treat the other person. You learn patience, understanding, and sometimes you learn to recognize that there will ALWAYS be differences in each relationship.

day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
Ha! Over the last month I've learned that it doesn't seem to matter how much you may want to separate yourself from emotions they will always have a hold on you. It is part of what makes us human. (Yes, overall I keep trying to ignore this, but it keeps biting me in the butt.) We've got our own opinions on what we think people should do, whether because we think it's right or because we care. Their opinions matter to us. What they say (or rather HOW they say it) can hurt us more than hearing it from someone else. And yes, we start trying to decipher the why and what they could have meant. It's maddening. I guess that is the part I'm still trying to learn. What to do with the emotions and how much weight I choose to give them.

day 30- your favorite song

Come Thou Fount -Amazing song that gets me every time.
Outside of that, I think I'd pick Disney songs every day. They make me happy.

day 31- the best thing about being you
I love that I still believe in having fun and ridiculous. I think you're supposed to grow up, but that doesn't mean you should forget the joy you had as a child. What is fun to you? What makes you laugh, giggle, or lifts your spirit? THOSE are the things you should do and the BEST part about me.

Day 18

day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
Plans:Survive the holidays without stressing more than called for.
hmmm...not freak out when I have this kid. (More on that one in a different post though.)
Actually have stuff put together for when the kid gets here. (Yeah, I think a lot about this one.)

Goals:

Graduate with my Bachelors. Yeah, I've been working on it for a while. Will be working on it for a while, and will get it done. Dang it!

Be happy and preferably not ever really stress over monies. I don't need a lot. Just enough, and yes, that number does exist.

Dreams:

One day I'd like to travel to some exotic places. (Preferably where they speak English or I've got my own interpreter.) I'd like to visit the British Isles, Philippines, and a fabulous warm beach on an island. (Just make sure I rotate every 30 minutes until golden brown.)

day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them
Jenny -What my family calls me.

Jen -What Fielding calls me.
JRoe -What friend Shaun called me.
JDawg -What Lyn called me.
That's pretty much it. Oh, and Motermouth because I talked SO much and SO fast.

day 20- someone you love

I love Fielding. I once didn't really believe in love, but after dealing with all of our issues (thus far) it's just nice being around him. We talk more with each other and love simply sitting down spending time together. And (I'd like to hope) we do more for each other. Simple things like making a sandwich, cooking me bacon (the sizzling oil scares me), massages, or cleaning up. Yeah, neither of us HAVE to be grateful for any of those simple tasks, but I LOVE that we care enough about each other to be grateful for them.

Oh, and Fielding is more amazing because he takes care of me while I'm crazy. He always asks me if there's anything he can do to help me feel better, holds me when I cry (part of being crazy and a girl), and is willing to put up with me. I'm pretty sure that that is the key to knowing if you're loved. (They're willing to put up with your crazy when you can't imagine anyone else willing to do it and vice versa.)

day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy
How can you not smile when seeing this cute fluffy puppy? The only thing that makes me frown is the price tag.

day 22- what makes you different from everyone else

What doesn't make me different? -Okay, so that was kind of snotty. Anyhow, I'm just not 'normal' and I'm okay with that. I love school, work, reading, being lazy, food, and shoes. (Okay, so the shoes is like a lot of people.) I can be really blunt, don't like being touchy feely, and despise the color pink. And yes, every tells me just how very strange I am. I guess that makes me different enough. -That and most people should know just from knowing me. I'm a strange duck, but friendly too. =)

day 23- something you crave for a lot

huh? Does this one really make any sense to anyone? Currently, the closest thing I come to craving is steak. It's just SO much better than other protein. Outside of that...I like food. Depending on the day depends on what I'm feeling like.

day 24- your last five facebook status'

1. I ♥ bacon. Who doesn't love bacon? Crispy, delicious bacon.


2. Mandi, I miss the days when I went to class and you bribed to take notes for you in exchange for waffles with boyesenberry syrup. *sigh*


3. I think I've reached the point again where I need someone else to select my clothes each morning.


4. It amazes me how one moment, one word, one person can completely change how you see the world. Sadly, not everyone understands the kind of power they have.


5. ‎1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.Honestly, the best advice Raymond Fielding has ever given me. Once you understand it, it can apply it to pretty much anyone that honestly cares about you.

See-I can be deep. Ha!

day 25- what I would find in your bag

What bag? Literally: I carry around my monies, phone, keys, papers, and books occassionally. Figuratively: A mess. I typically have a whole lot of stuff going on in my mind. Things other people would think I'm crazy for thinking about or things that would drive them mad. -Add pregoness and it can really throw logical thinking into spasms.

day 26- what do you think about your friends
I've found that real friends can talk to each other: Good, bad, ugly, crazy. They also know HOW to talk to each other without destroying their friendship. They're also not willing to let you go without a fight. I've got some of these friends and they're some of the greatest assests I have in my life. -And yes, I think my friends are awesome.

day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge

hmmm...because I wanted something to write about that didn't seem to revolve around my pregnancy though that was occupying a very large part of my mind. I think I might be ready though to talk about it. Thus part of the reason I'm ready for this challenge to be done.

Day 11

day 11- another picture of you and your friends
Shaun (I stole it from him. =) )










Mandi, Amber, and me. Don't we look amazing?
Old school pumpkin patch. Me, Megan, Amber, and Mandi.









day 12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one
Cyber stalking. I saw my coworker's blog. After that, I found that a lot of previous people I knew from school that had started writing their own blogs. It was great fun to see how everyone was doing and all of the adventures they were having in their lives.

It also was a good place for me to be at that point in time. My blog allowed me a place to 'talk'. I think THAT is the greatest part about my blog. I get to say what I want to say. Learn to temper things a little bit. (Let's face it, tact is a skill that allows you to say what you want without hurting others carelessly.) And put it out there because I want to. Not because I have to.

day 13- a letter to someone
hmmm....I might have to come back to this one. I actually love writing letters and the last one I wrote was to my grandma letting her know what an amazing grandma she's been to me. I think every one should write more REAL letters to people they care about. Getting a heartfelt letter in the mail or a surprise letter always makes you feel important, special, and makes any day amazingly better. -If I say to whom it may concern and close it with sincerely, does that make it a letter to the masses?

day 14- a picture of you and your family

Or

day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
Yeah...about that. I only actually own 1 cd that Fielding bought me. No Ipod either. Does that make me a reject? I love music. I just happen to listen to it on the radio or Fielding will let me listen to Disney music on his Ipod that he downloaded for me. =) Anyhow, I can't really answer this question.

day 16- another picture of yourself
This was taken by Jeniece and edited by me. =) (Oh, and I'm starting to think this challenge is trying to prove how conceited I am. I honestly don't have that many pictures of Fielding and I. I might need to work on that.)

day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
At the risk of sounding cliche, I wouldn't want to trade my life with anyone. My life is actually in a place where things are going well. (Yeah, how many of us can honestly say that?) I think any of us would love to have a couple of millions of dollars though. Getting rid of the stress of 'have to' is something I think any of us would love.

So I guess overall, I'd be willing to trade lives with someone and then gift myself two millions dollars. No more money stress in my life (maybe), a nice vacation on a warm beach, and shoes!

And there you have it, I'm caught up on the challenge. Now if only I can keep it up as the month goes on. =) Happy October!

Day 2

day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
Well, some of Fielding's coworkers called him Porcelain Pratt. I figured it would work just as well as anything else so...yeah, that's it.
day 3- a picture of you and your friends
-All together? You're lucky I have any at all. I'm not really a be in pictures kind of person. You'd have to ask Mandi, Megan, or the inlaws for most pictures. Guess you'll just have to be happy with what I've got.













Fielding and Lily







Mandi and Megan











Maryland Mike and Me












day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
I say 'like' a LOT and 'I'm not gonna lie'. Both of them drive me crazy since it was pointed out to me that I say them obsessively.
day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been

Ft. Eustis, Virginia

day 6- 5 favorite TV shows
A lot. Honestly. I'm a TV junkie. Oh, wait I should add this to day 4's list of habits.

1. Phineas and Ferb
2. Big Bang Theory
3. Criminal Minds
4. NCIS
5. Harry's Law
   
6. ANTM (America's Next Top Model)
7. Vampire Diaries
8. Secret Circle
9. Grey's Anatomy
10. Private Practice
11. Project Runway
12. Secret Life of the American Teenager
13. Stick It
14. The Nine Lives of Chloe King -Maybe soon I can remove this one. I got the book.
15. Dirty Little Liars
16. Switched at Birth

Really? Do I need to keep going or can we just admit that I'll sign up for a support group? I'm sure there are more and some that I'll add to to list as time goes on.

day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

Definitely has to be Fielding, my grandpas or Elvis. We'll go with Fielding this time.

He loves me.
Buys me flowers.
Appreciates that I LOVE shoes, even if he doesn't understand it.
And is practically perfect. THAT is much better than perfect.
And I love him. Does a person get better than that?

day 8- short term goals for this month and why
um...I'm terrible at goals. Setting them, following through on them, and completing them. Currently, I'd love to get caught up or even work on my History of Africa coursework. I would also love to figure out what I'm going to be for Halloween before Sunday night (the night before Halloween).

day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days
I'm proud of who I've become. I wasn't always this refined, sassy, and positive. I'm glad for the experiences I've had, the wisdom I've gained, and the humility to recognize that I've still got more to learn (even if it hurts). (Yes, this is my insightful comment.)

day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, anxious or mad
Normally, I don't listen to music except when I'm in the car and most of it is just radio. I officially own ONE cd that Fielding bought me. X96 since forever and typically in the morning. Country on the way home so I don't become angry. Disney music is honestly a favorite and makes me happy. Christina Perry, Avril Lavigne, Taylor Swift, and Queen for fun. Come Thou Fount or Josh Grobin's Mountain song when I want to feel small or get a spiritual boost. (Yes, I wanted to call it a Jesus boost, but wasn't sure how that would come across.)

That's all for now, but I'm catching up. Mwhahaha!

Day 1

Day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Well, technically this is the most recent one of me, though it's not me.

1. I'm pregnant. 20+ weeks and still deciding what I think about it all.
2. That I'm aware of, I'm the only one of my mom's kids to be born breech. She likes to tell people I came into the world telling people what I thought.
3. I've still never been in a hospital since I was born except to visit others.
4. I'm a blue sash in Wing Chun, Kung Fu.
5. I LOVE Naruto (anime cartoon) from Japan.
6. One day I want to color my hair a vibrant hue of the rainbow that doesn't occur in nature.
7. I would love to have an extensive video/dvd/blueray collection of movies. Seriously, bookshelves.
8. I HATE both needles and brussel sprouts.
9. Fielding and I almost got divorced once. (Thank goodness we figured things out. Things are MUCH better than they have ever been.)
10. I'm convinced that somewhere in my mind I secretly like crying because my eyes turn fiercely green. (Yes, fiercely green is a color. Just the shade my eyes turn when I cry.)
11. When I was a kid I wanted to become a veterinarian. That changed when I found out I don't like animals hurting, dying, or blood and guts.
12. I love opals. They are the only birthstone I claim. Screw pink tourmaline as a birthstone for October.
13. I hope you picked up from the previous post that I HATE pink, though I LOVE orange.
14. I'm a button mashing Champion. Fighting games, not a problem with my skills. Fielding won't play with me anymore 'cause I kill him.
15. I love shoes! I would LOVE to own these.

I'm going to do it.

I found this on someone else's blog, but I'm going to steal it, do it, and complete it for October. Here we go. =)

October Blogging Challenge
day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you and your friends
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been
day 6- 5 favorite TV shows
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, anxious or mad
day 11- another picture of you and your friends
day 12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one
day 13- a letter to someone
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- another picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them
day 20- someone you love
day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave for a lot
day 24- your last five facebook status'
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- what do you think about your friends
day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge
day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?
day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
day 30- your favorite song
day 31- the best thing about being you